Dear Neighbors;
Hello! I am the relatively quiet woman who moved into “the plumber’s old house.” I generally keep to myself and I try to be relatively quiet, except when I am cleaning my house when I will test the “goes to 11” theory on my Bose wave radio. The good thing for you is that I don’t clean late at night… or early in the morning… or on weekends… or… Well, this may explain why I don’t entertain much.
Sometimes I wonder if you know my name or just refer to me as the “lady with the giant white dog,” as one 6-year-old called me recently. It’s okay. I come from the Robert Frost School of Neighborly Relations: no eye contact, a friendly wave is acceptable, but only from a minimum of 50 feet away. That said, I feel that social media has brought me closer to all of my neighbors, as I have been able to communicate in a publically passive-aggressive way that I hope you all find agreeable.
I have been scrolling through a few of my posts, and I thought I might share some of them. I hope this will give you better insight to your neighbor (me) who leaves for work at goofy-o-clock in the morning and walks her dogs at somewhat “off” hours of the day. THESE ARE ACTUAL POSTS FROM MY OWN FACEBOOK PAGE. You are welcome to look them up and respond as you feel appropriate.
Dear Neighbors: Get your Cameras Ready! I am 92% sure I locked myself out of my house when I staggered to my car in the dark without coffee at Goofy-O-Clock-In-The-Morning… There is a very good chance I will have to fling myself over the snowbank blocking the back gate when I get home this afternoon. Enjoy.
Dear Neighbors: I can’t find the timer and electrical cords under all the snow… Guess we’ll keep the lighted flamingo going until Easter?
Dear Neighbors: Since the Town removed 3/4 of the street lights from my neighborhood, plunging us into darkness, wouldn’t you agree there is a whole new level of Anticipation, Mystery and Drama added to ‘scooping’ during an evening dog walk?
Ladies and Gentleman! It’s time for a new round of your favorite game show: “Identify the Stuff in the Tupperware”! YOU! In the waaayyyy back! You are first!
Dear-Horrified-Neighbors: Yes. It is completely necessary for me to show off my pasty-white legs in 1982 cut offs and sing to my iPod OVER the sound of the lawnmower as I even out the weeds in my front yard.
Dear Neighbors: Please ignore the gasping, grunting, shuffling (possible dry-heaving) and swearing you are about to hear… I am going for a jog.
Ladies and Gentlemen! Please make your way to the center ring for today’s main event: I will now attempt to Sumo Wrestle a Rug Doctor!
Dear New-Neighbor-On-The-Corner: The giant white dog rolling around in your unattended back yard sprinkler is Mazzy. Sorry about your hydro-seeding. Nice bike, though.
Dear Judgmental-Nosy-Neighbor: All the weeds and twigs in my front yard are now mowed to the same height… I am sure after I leave for work you will see that the back yard vegetation was also trimmed… (Please bring cookies for the dogs when you do).
Dear Neighbors: YES! I AM SHRIEKING IN AN OCTAVE I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD REACH! What is this?!?!? And yes those are legs!!!!
Dear Cotuit Fire Department: It was a false alarm. Dinner will be ready at 7.
Dear Guy-In-The-Sporty-Red-Car-Who-Sped-Up-And-Swerved-Into-The-Puddle-To-Splash-Me-While-I-Was-TRYING-To-Jog: Totally not necessary.
Ladies and gentlemen! In the left corner of the bathroom we have Mazzy: a 130 lbs Anatolian Shepherd Dog… Smelly and muddy and hates of tubs! In the right corner we have Cat (weighing in at… well… less than Mazzy) armed with doggy shampoo and a hand held shower head! — PLACE YOUR BETS!
Dear Group of Vietnam Veterans out for your morning walk in Cotuit who cheered me on while I was sweating and huffing and puffing and attempting a new jogging route: THANK YOU… (and thank you).
Dear Squirrel-Sized-Dog- Owning-Neighbors: Despite Mazzy’s size (yes, bigger than me), she really is a gentle giant… You do not have to scoop up your dog and run… You hurt her feelings.
Dear Neighbors: You will be relieved to know that I found the short in the wiring for my Christmas lights! The pink flamingo, pink tree and pink shrub will be back on-line at dusk!
Ladies and Gentlemen! Up next… The Back-Steps-Dog-Pulled-Luge! Watch to see if our defending champion will opt for a face-first execution, or traditional butt landing!
Dear Guy Using The Leaf Blower Just Hours Before The Hurricane: …. Oh, never mind.
Dear Neighbor Who Cut Down All The Trees At The End Of The Street: You have disrupted the homes of some 20 or so squirrels. In the broad scope of things this isn’t a big deal… Unless you are trying to walk a 130 lbs dog who now sees a few dozen new squeaky toys scurrying around the neighborhood!
Dear Neighbors: I know it is 1 a.m. Please understand that I am very tired and just drove all the way home from work. When I fumbled to put my key in the lock of my door, the frog perched on the door knob asked me for a good-night kiss. I am very sorry for shrieking like a banshee.
Dear Neighbors: As you may have noticed, I have begun a new exercise routine. I will be jogging 2 laps around the neighborhood on random evenings during the week at various times between 6 and 8pm. I would appreciate it if you could please refrain from grilling during this time as I find it horribly distracting. I appreciate your cooperation.
Ladies and Gentlemen! For this evening’s entertainment, watch as a bat flies in through Cat’s open bedroom window just as she is drifting off to sleep… Let the comedy begin!
Dear Neighbors: Yes. I am aware Christmas has come and gone… My intention is to keep my lighted-pink-flamingo and pink tree lights up until we get some REAL snow… Or until St Patrick’s Day… Or until we get more street lights so I can find my house in the dark.
There, I hope we all feel a little closer to one another. Thank you.
About Cat Wilson
