By SEAN DOHERTY
They call it, “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and “A Night Where Hollywood Honors Its Own.” These are just a few of the slogans used to describe the Academy Awards. From a fundamental standpoint, I am all for award shows. People both on and behind the screen work tirelessly for months and years perfecting pieces of work for all of us to enjoy, so I certainly agree award shows are important. But let’s get real people. The Oscars this year were a washout, and, yes, it was raining so pun-intended.
- The Red Carpet: Joan Rivers, who worked tirelessly for 145 years hosting the red carpet at the Oscars, would have been appalled if she saw what people tried to pass off for Oscar garb. Sure, we expected it from Lady Gaga but at this point the woman could come in on fire and nobody would really bat an eyelash. While Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, and Gwyneth Paltrow all looked ravishing in my opinion, the rest of the flock looked like they had to all settle for their second choice. Dakota Johnson, the actress from that movie about that book that your kids found and you were embarrassed, threw on a red dress and slicked back her hair and looked completely uninterested in being there. Lupita Nyong’o’s dress, which was made of sailor knots, looked like she got it designed at the Army & Navy Surplus Shop in P’town and finally Scarlett Johansson, who—yes—did just have a baby and looks amazing for someone with zillions of dollars who can afford a trainer, lost not only the baby weight but the sides of her hair. You shaved your head for the Oscar’s?! Locks for Love: I totally get it. Academy Awards? No, no.
- Neil Patrick Harris: Ellen is a hard act to follow. She was funny. She was relatable. She took a great selfie. I understand NPH had tough shoes to fill, but enough with the singing and dancing! You did it for the Emmys, and the Tonys and the Dell commercials and the Boy Scout Jamboree. We get it. You love to sing and dance, but there is a time and a place for it. Also, the opening monologue: In just a few short minutes you managed to insult Oprah, Octavia Spencer, The Academy, Harrison Ford and me! I pay good money for my Starbucks so I can use their free wifi and illegally download movies and you made me personally feel like I was “unconnected to cinema” because I didn’t bother to see any of the Best Picture nominees. You laughed at your own jokes, pandered for applause and played with your cufflinks so many times I thought you were going to start pulling out scarves like a cheap magician—oh wait, you did that.
- Liam Neeson: Fix your tie.
- Lady Gaga: Julie Andrews is a legend and while I applaud your efforts, dance with the one who brought ‘ya and stick to coming out in an egg.
- Every Presenter: You Are Actors. You Read Lines For A Living. Why do you sound like you are just seeing these words for the first time on a teleprompter? I’ve been reading for three good years now and it pains me to hear “And the envelope goes to.”
- In Memoriam: I understand not having Joan Rivers in the tribute since she was not an “Academy Member” but c’mon people, have some class. The tribute, introduced by Meryl Streep and accompanied by a song from Jennifer Hudson, instead remembered a mix of Hollywood types, including actor Mickey Rooney, Hollywood legend Lauren Bacall, British treasure Richard Attenborough and much-missed comedian Robin Williams. But to not even give slight recognition of Elaine Stritch, Harold Ramis or Joan? I just don’t get it.
I could go on and on but quite frankly, I am tired. Maybe it’s because I gave up booze for Lent, or because I am just sick of this weather and I’m cranky, but Hollywood, with all of its money and its power and its Botox can’t just pull off one decent night of entertainment? Like I said, just call me Oscar The Grouch.
